I can’t believe I let myself go….I’m doing it anyway

I can’t believe that I look like this…. I’m doing it anyway

I can’t believe that I was so mad at myself that this happened….I’m doing it anyway

I can’t believe that my body looks like this…I’m doing it anyway

I can’t believe I am almost 45 and just look at the mess I have made…I’m doing it anyway

I can’t believe that my stomach looks like this, what the hell happened…I’m doing it anyway

I can’t’ believe I could be so mean to myself…I’m doing it anyway

I can’t believe I let other people get to me so much, that I ended up looking like this….I’m doing it anyway

I can’t believe i felt so unsafe that I thought that weight would keep me safer…I’m doing it anyway

I can’t believe that I lost ALL sense of self and self respect…I’m doing it anyway

I can’t believe that I hurt myself like this…I’m doing it anyway

I can’t believe that my arms look so HUGE and ugly. I could fly away with these wings…I’m doing it anyway

I cant believe how puffy I look ….I’m doing it anyway

I can’t believe how gross I look. It looks like I am wearing a fat suit…I’m doing it anyway

I can’t believe I was so mad, angry, and disappointed at other people I took it out on myself and let this happen…I’m doing it anyway

I can’t believe that I let regret do this to my body…I’m doing it anyway

I can’t believe I am so weak, especially in my upper body…I’m doing it anyway

I can’t believe that I can not stretch anymore. I used to be able to lay my chest flat on the floor. Now I can barely touch my toes….I’m doing it anyway

I can’t believe I will be half way to 90 years old in a few months…I’m doing it anyway

I can’t believe I let other people scare me so much that I hid under the layers of fat….I’m doing it anyway

I can’t believe I have failed myself so much in the past…I’m doing it anyway

I can’t believe what I am seeing when I look in the mirror….I’m doing it anyway

I can’t believe that I once wore a size 2/4 and now I am officially a plus size….I’m doing it anyway

I can’t believe those pictures I see on line of me at events, what the HELL happened. I am so embarrassed…I’m doing it anyway

I live in a hotel and don’t have a full kitchen….I’m doing it anyway

My budget is extremely limited and I have no “job”…. I’m doing it anyway

My life is going to change again…I’m doing it anyway

All my things are in storage including all my kitchen stuff. I can’t cook…I’m doing it anyway

I am almost 45 years old…I’m doing it anyway

I can’t believe my heart was so broken that I let this happen…I’m doing it anyway

I can’t believe I was so stressed out and depressed that I let my body go this far and become this weak…I’m doing it anyway

I can’t believe I even had emergency surgery to remove an ORGAN because I was so stressed out that that had to happen…I’m doing it anyway

You see, no matter what happens and what comes my way…I now know that I can NOT control anything other than what I do to myself.

I lost all control of everything in my life; my family, my job, I could not control what was coming in financially, my friendships, my marriage, where I lived, I lost EVERYTHING, my son’s autism and other “differences”, my daughter moving away for college then all of a sudden all grown up and gone, etc…

When does it stop? It never stops. Everything is ALWAYS changing.  I know this, I teach this, I preach this…now I LIVED this!   I lost my footing and became buried in a mud slide of change just like everyone else does at times. It was scary, I felt anger, remorse, regret, deep sadness, depression, loss, you name it …. I felt it!

Then one day, I realized that the only thing I had not lost was me. I thought about this for a while and realized that was the only thing I could control is how I react to life.  I don’t beleive in coincidences although hindsight is 20/20 and at the time I did not realize how this would be what I needed to change my direction.

A family friend put my families home videos on a DVD for us for my dads 70th birthday.  After the party, I went home and could not wait to watch them.

What I saw was this beautiful little girl learning to walk, learning to ride her bike, excited to meet her new brothers, running around in the yard in her 2 piece pink polka dot lace bikini, celebrating her birthdays, and her life.

I realized how innocent, beautiful, and remarkable this little person was.  So new to the world, eyes wide open, deep in thought always trying to figure out the world she was now apart of.  She had big brown beautiful eyes that were as deep as the ocean, brown hair, beautiful new skin, energy, new life, and most of all a determination.

She was not hurt yet. She was not wounded. No one told her she could not. No one made her feel like she was less than others.  She did not know she was not perfect.  Everyone loved her and no one took her power, yet. No one made her feel like she was not important.  Even though the world revolved around her, she knew the world was so much more than that.

I watched her play, explore, love, and be loved. I watched how her grandparents, parents, and their friends and family, LOVE  HER and watch over her every move!  They kept her safe. They admired this new little girl in the world.  She was so blessed.

As I sat and watched this little girl play from a detached place,  I realized that that little girl was me. I had tears running down my face and it all became so familiar to me. She was ME now!

I was still that little girl, yet I had buried her alive in anger, guilt, resentment, bitterness, judgement, and self destructive behavior like drinking DIET COKE all the time and blaming herself for everything that was wrong.  All she wanted to do… was go out, love, live, and explore.

As I have helped thousands of other people connect with their inner child, it was now time for me to connect with me. Like most people, I suppose I did when I least expected it. My ego is pretty savvy, so I’m sure if that part of me caught wind of the plan I was in for, it would have sabotaged that for me too.  I am grateful that it did not.

Sabotage and I seem to have become close friends over the years. That was the one thing I could not seem to change. Good thing for me, Mr. Sabotage changed me…job well done…now you can go!  I had enough of you my old friend.

Despite all the heartache and pain I have been through, not only in the past 5 year, but in the past 44.5 years of living in a world I don’t always understand, I’m doing it anyway.

In my book, 36 Months, I wrote that I was getting a new tattoo on my wrist  one my mom would sure to love.  O.M.A.A.T  One moment at time…in my life a day is WAY to long.  I have it now and it is a permanent and constant reminder to live in my moment, do the best that I can do, and accept and allow change however hard or difficult that may be. Life does not define me, I can define it. It enables me to grow on the inside and tighten up on the outside! 😉

I am doing it for me. Finally, for only just for me. I can control that. I can love me. I can nurture that little girl who I forgot about, playing in her little plastic pool, in her toddler polka dot, lace, pink bikini, in Detroit way back when.

That little girl matters in the world and she matters to me.

Despite me and my old friend Mr. Sabotage’s history… and thanks to my new friend who believes in me, DDP and his beautifully done DDP Yoga, ...”I am doing it anyway”!