Someone very important to my story has died…I like saying “changed form since nothing and no one can really die. We return back to our original state”.
Although he is no longer here in the physical, I know he is still present…he has not stopped talking to me for 3 days now. Lol I suppose he gets a kick out of this and thinks it is funny he can “do this now”. I’m not sure how I feel about that….we will have to have boundaries 😉
A part of me feels like I just want, or should be, in mourning and feel sad….the bigger part of me can’t do that because he keeps, talking to me and I know how happy and finally peaceful he is. I know where he is because he is everywhere. He never went anywhere. This human brain of mine wants my heart to feel sad….it doesn’t…not the way most people do. Maybe its because he was no longer a part of my daily life and I already made peace with him. It’s an interesting bunch of feelings I have been having over the past few days for sure.
I do feel sad because I feel the emptiness of the physical world without him. Even those people that hurt us the most take up space on the planet with us. When that space changes it leaves us feeling seperate and I think that is where we feel the void. I believe the void is what we are feeling when the people we love are not in that space anymore. We have to get used to feeling them in a different way.
Joe was the love of my life through college. My MSU days were filled with Joe. We knew from the moment we saw each other that there was something there. He helped me write my story, he got me to where I was, and where I am today. The way our relationship ended was nothing short of a unbelievable hot and super painful mess for me. I never in a million years thought my heart would heal….but it did. He taught me more than I knew at the time. Today, all these years later, I finally know what he was there to teach me. Self love, not to love too much at the point of losing myself, and worthiness.
For many, many years I had no closure unless it was in my dreams. In my dreams we found ourselves together talking about everything… While I slept I was in peace…it was when I woke up I felt sad. It was after the death of my best friend I found closure and peace with him. Another web that was woven. I called to tell him what happened to Tracey and I told him of my dreams. I told him how I felt all the years later about what he did and how it hurt….he apologized and told me he hopes I never stop dreaming of him…well after talking to him that day, I never had another dream. I found my closure….thank god today that I did.
Years later he found me on my radio show…I know he listened a few times and was proud of me. He contacted me and it was nice to hear his voice although he was not the same Joe I once knew. He was beaten up and raw..now I know only by his own fist.
He never understood exactly what I did or how it worked..but he wanted too. He was reaching out and searching for answers that he knew were there, he just didn’t know where and would not let them in if he found them. He was raised catholic and I know his mind would not let him believe or feel anything different than that.
I know he lived in pain, I know he felt empty inside. Now I KNOW he is so happy to be out of his physical body. This makes my heart feel better. They say at 46 he died of a heart attack…he had a valve replaced years ago. I also know that how we live is how we die. Maybe his heart was just not able to go where it needed to go to find peace and to “live”…and it gave out.
There is a part of me that will miss him everyday because he was my history and is a chapter in MY book. There is a part of me that is so happy he now understands what living was about and he is no longer in pain. There is another part of me that will look forward to “seeing” him again when it is my time to “change form”. I know my team of people will be there for me then…and I know they are here for me now.
This is from Joe…he wanted to hijack my Facebook…I told him my blog space is better because he talks too much….Lol. It’s still my call…I’m still here. 😉
This is his way of giving back to the world and I am happy I can help him do that:
“The truth is even the wisest person, all the progressive thinkers, and all the self help gurus together have no answers for the way ‘it all works’. What we are ALL seeking is something that can not be understood in our mere mortal brain…while we are here in the physical world, we will never understand what we so desperately feel we need to figure out. The point of ‘this exercise’ of living is to NOT be given all the answers but to L I V E by experiences….we make it harder than it needs to be by struggling and searching for meaning where there is no meaning to be found. We beat ourselves and we blame ourselves for what we believe our mistakes were that we made. We don’t allow our own happiness to exist. There are no answers while we are here. There is no belief that will make you happy, and there is no sugar coating on any of this. Life is what it is. All the meaning and searching only leads most to a life of intense examination rather than freedom. There are no other answers. I know this now as I am no longer ‘here’….I know this now because I spent my life torturing myself and feeling less than important than…well I don’t even know what. I know now I was and always have been a beautiful star…bright, light, and made up of only the good things…not all the bad things I thought I was. I tell you all this because if I can help one other person shed the weight literally of the world…then I feel as if I have done something good with my life. I am honored that I can do this and pray that this will bring enlightenment to all that seek and that you may find and make peace within yourselves… OK, I have hijacked her page so now…or should I say ‘for now’ I have to go…take care and my prayers are with you all on your journey.” Joey O.
You will be missed my friend by all those who really did love you. Xoxoxo
Until next time….