As I try to fall sleep, I hear my grandma telling me not to worry. She tells me she will be OK. I want to go to sleep, but her reassuring words are keeping me up. She has not crossed yet, but the days are coming near.
It’s a funny thing; after the 1000’s of messages I have given, after working with energies of the inner child, higher self, loved ones who have crossed over, pets, trees, angels, spirit guides, relationships, children, people who are still alive from all around the world and the list goes on….all I hear as I try to fall asleep tonight are the words of my lil grandma Jane….”Lisa, Lisa, Lisa…don’t worry, I’m going to be fine.”
Easy for her to say.
She’s not the one 3,000 miles away.
She’s not the one missing her family.
She’s not the one feeling helpless to help.
She’s not the one who is going to feel the void once she leaves this physical place.
She’s the one who’s leaving.
She tells me not to worry. Maybe I am worried? Maybe I’m more sad for me than I am worried for her. After all, I know she is going to be OK. She’ll be out of her body soon. Her 96.5 years around the sun will soon be over. Her body won’t hurt. She’s the one who made it to the finish line! Of course she is going to be OK!
People always ask me if it is easier to let go of the people you love when you are a “medium?” They assume because I can see, hear, feel, know and sense the energies that are no longer in the physical, it must be easier for me to say goodbye.
It’s not! It’s just as hard.
The only way I will be able to talk to her is in my head. I won’t be able to call her like I used too. I won’t be able to go shopping for her like I used too. I won’t be able to listen to her voice talk about nothing, yet everything, like I used too. I won’t be able to tell her what her dreams meant, or what the lottery numbers might be, or messages from her family. I won’t be able to hear “Hello Lisa, is that you?” when I call her number. She’ll now be the one who is all knowing. I’ll only know what SHE tells ME.
Detachment is a big practice. It’s difficult to detach while knowing we’re never really detaching because we are a part of everything. The illusion presents itself as separation. The mind needs to tell us this so we can live our individual lives, yet our hearts remind us of our unity.
I am 47 years old and I have never been in the world without my grandma. Sounds so silly, of course I have not! So, what do you do when your circle changes? I suppose we do what we do, and keep going. We keep the circle going. We create more circles of life all connecting us to each other. We create life.
I’ve never known someone I loved to be “dying” as I talk to them; to know that within a very short time they will not be here. There are so many I love you’s, so many moments of just being present, so many amazing moments of opening your heart, and keeping it open, so that you can take in every last second with them…knowing their time is coming to an end. I can’t help but think, isn’t this true of everyone? Aren’t we all dying from the time we are born? Why do we wait until moments like this to open our hearts and allow this HUGE gratitude and unconditional love pour in? I suppose because we don’t want to get hurt. The ironic thing is, while feeling my heart so open, there is no room for anything but love. The fear of getting hurt is only that…a fear! I know because I felt it and it forever changed me. Love, light and gratitude is an amazing thing.
I know that I will never be the same. I will never look at life and “death” the same. Sure, I’ve had people die. My other grandma Jessie I loved so much. My best friend Tracey (since I was 5 died a horrible death). I had friends in high school transition over. Even the first love of my life died a couple years ago. For some reason, this feels different. It feels like a part of my life is coming to and end; I suppose it feels like that because it is. My grandma was going to live forever!
I know Jane will be OK. If she was OK here, she will be more than OK when she changes form. I know she is OK with dying and she is ready to make her transition. I think I am the one who’s not. It’s funny how selfish we become when a caterpillar becomes a butterfly. We want to hang on to what was for our needs, not the needs of them. Yup, I’m guilty!
But as I write this, I realizes it’s her turn to change. It’s her turn to fly. It’s her turn to become the most beautiful butterfly in the world. Even as I write this, I just remembered in this moment, we talked about what her sign would be for me years ago….it was a butterfly!!!!!!! See her spirit is already beginning to fly. I can sense her smile, her freedom and her new found flight. I just needed to connect with it.
As always, the people we love the most are our greatest teachers. As my grandma Jane makes her transition…I am making mine. I know she will be my light in the sky, the voice in my head and my greatest cheerleader as I continue on my path.
Her passing has yet again opened my heart, made it possible to connect on deeper levels with the people who trust me to connect them, and their loved ones, and has brought a deeper sense of love and wisdom to my work.
“Lisa, Lisa, Lisa…don’t worry about me I’ll be fine.”
I know I will grandma…I know you will be too!
I think I can go to sleep now.
I love you and thank you for believing in me all these years! Your warrior like perseverance, your prayers and unwavering faith have taught me that nothing is what we think it is. We are always being provided for by the unwavering hearts of those who provide for us.
God bless YOU on your journey! Your wings are beautiful. May they take you everywhere you ever wanted to go and allow you to finally dance in the wind.
The angels will take care of you soon…don’t forget to send me our sign…and the lottery numbers! I love you and soon you will know just how much!