Most of us blame ourselves for things that we feel like we have done, not done, could have done better, should have been better, etc.  The list is endless in the department of beating ourselves up and non forgiveness for self.

Not only do we blame ourselves for the things in this lifetime that we are aware of, but I believe we’re everything we’ve ever been, and therefore carry all our perceived wrong doings (of possibly thousands of lifetimes) within our being.  The past seems to  re-write itself over and over, but all we’re really doing is living a continuum of one being, ourselves! We’re a sum of everything we’ve ever been. If you think about it, that sounds insane, yet I would say most of us carry some time guilt, some shame, some could have, would haves, should haves, somewhere inside from somewhere along that continuum.  When we heal, we heal an “issue” that is within our being for all lifetimes.  Why would I be any different from the billions of others who carry the need for understanding therefore healing?

I’m no exception to that rule.  One of my amazing,  intuitive friends, with a heart of gold said to me that I’ve been carrying all this guilt and shame, and if I could just get to the root of it and let it go, I would finally be over the hump and on to bigger and better things.

If anyone truly knows me, they know that I took that to heart and wanted to get right to work.  I’m not afraid of stepping up, looking at my own stuff and doing the work if it means clearing a path to better things and healing.

So after much thought, I knew the right time and place would be presented where I could sit and reflect upon this information.  Maybe this weekend?  I went to lunch alone, gave messages to the restaurant owner, had a iced vanilla latte and walked around town.  I really had no idea or plan other than to just be within the moment of the day.  I’m just missing being in Detroit with my family and the death of my grandmother yesterday, so being here now seemed just good enough for me today.

I decided it was time to go home.  As I drove home, there it was.  That little, or big nudge, inside my being saying, “NO….you have to go here instead.”   I thought, “No, I want to go home.”  I had to trust the nudge.  I drove in the opposite direction… away from home.

I ended up at a place I love more than anywhere in Ojai.  I sat down to quit my VERY loud mind.  All I could hear was LOUD buzzing in my ears.  I breathed it out, sat quietly, had some cool downloads, I think I feel asleep sitting up and then boom, I was back.  Yes, it was a good trip, but I knew there was a part 2.

I walked to the healing garden on the property and just sat there.  I felt the garden, the movement of the breeze, the heat, listened to the birds and I closed my eyes.  All of a sudden, there I was, being initiated…initiated to go in front of a being.  Who? I don’t know. What was going to happen?  I didn’t know.  Um hello, now?  All I knew is this might be a space where my “aha” would come from.  Plus, any time I can get initiated, I’ m on board.  They (felt like two female energies) cleaned me, dressed me and adorned me with a beautiful necklace with a huge turquoise stone in it.  YEA ME! I loved being pampered, I loved my new exquisite garb and especially my new necklace.  At the same time, I felt humbled and honored to be in this space with these beings.

After I was all dressed, I was guided to stand in front of this being.  I can’t really tell you what he looked like other than he felt bigger than me, a lot bigger, and he had a deep voice, but no voice at all.  He was very direct with his questioning and expected me to be direct with my answers.  I held myself to the highest standard that I could within my truth.  I wanted to release. I wanted to be free of this anchor; of this low vibration energy that has been with me for so long.  I wanted to be in peace and be happy.  I don’t want to EVER carry this again, not even for another day.  As I always say, “information is knowledge and knowledge is wisdom.”  I had the first two, bring on the third.

The two female beings stood on each side of me, almost as pillars of strength and support. I felt like I was being interrogated, which in some ways I liked.  I liked the directness of his questioning.  I liked him taking charge.  I liked him caring enough to drill me with questions to help me get to the root.

I liked it until my mind was getting too smart for my heart.  I had all the right answers.  I knew what to say, yet my heart was not in alignment with my head.  I stood there naked in my mind, and in my heart, listening to both trying to to align themselves, yet my mind is too clever for my heart. My heart was loud, but my head is tricky!  I knew I had to be honest to heal and move on.

So I was honest with myself.  When I got an answer, I checked with my heart to make sure it was feeling what my head said.  If it didn’t align, I drilled down until it did.  My mind was having no part of it.  I checked with myself over and over again. I was doing OK until I didn’t have any more answers.  I finally broke, had a temper tantrum and told him I don’t care if I am initiated or not, I don’t want to play anymore.

I knew this wasn’t true, I knew I had to get to the bottom of this to release it,  I knew this was an opportunity for me, but my ego had enough. He said OK, and instructed them to take my necklace off.  That’s where I drew the line.  I said, “No, you can’t have it back.  I’ve come too far, let’s keeping going.”  They took it off anyway, (as if to tell me he was not playing with me) but held it around my neck.  I was OK with that.  I kept going.

Before I knew it, I was doing my own past life regression.  I went back to the time I first felt this shame and guilt.  I saw where it came from and why.  I was witnessing and judging myself, both at the same time.  It was like I was on teeter totter of acceptance and guilt.  He continued to drill me with questions I could not find answers too.  I felt like a fish on a line struggling to break free, yet knowing this had to go down before I could be thrown back into the water to feel safe.

There were so many questions, it would take a new day to go into that part of the initiation.  I’m not even sure I would be able to recall them, other than knowing each one was phrased to make me take personal responsibility for my actions and choices, but no judgment at all.  I needed to understand them to release them.  They were not meant to bring more shame, only truth and awareness.

Just when I was about to walk and quite, there was a picture that flashed in my head.  A picture you would see in Pictionary of a throbbing toe.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  I can’t accept how I was, it’s not about that.  I can’t forgive myself, yet.  It’s not about that either.  I can’t do any of it.  Those all sound good, but that is NOT the root of forgiveness, shame and guilt….understanding is.  A HA!

The picture in my mind went on to tell me that we all stub our toe, a lot of times.  What happens when we stub our toe? We feel the P A I N and eventually it fades away.  Well, I stubbed my toe and kept the pain alive for lifetimes because I’ve felt like I deserved that pain for being selfish way back when.  That was gauge for my future self worth!  I’ve continued to, unconsciously (as we all do with various things in our life), find ways to stub my toe over and over again and to stay in a state of pretty constant punishment for perceived wrong doings from way back when.

We have ALL been;  good and bad, tall and short, black and white, rich and poor.  You can not know the light without knowing the dark.  In this particular past life, I was not good.  I was not nice. I was greedy, selfish and took from good people so I would have “enough.”  It was shown to me that I only did that because I did not understand the abundance of “all that is” and was coming from lack.

They showed me a meadow full of lush, green, colorful, flowers for as far as they eye could see.  They told me to take how ever many of these flowers I wanted.  There was no limit to what I could take.  No one cared if I wanted to take way more than my share.  They said,  “make sure to have enough for what you would need, forever.”

So I did!  I took as much of everything that I could.  I felt like that same gross, greedy man from my past life, but I didn’t care.  It felt good in some ways.  It feeling free to not be judged and to take.  I also could feel the good part of me too.  Talk about a mind trip?!?! I felt the lack and the need of more, more, more!

You know what? No matter how much I took, it never made a dent in the meadow!  The meadow stayed as full as it was before I took “everything.”  Once I realized that, I stopped! The need to take, the challenge, was gone.  Why did I need to take if it was always going to be there?

HUH!?!?  How is that possible?  Imagine that!  I’ve never seen anything like that before.  Usually you take something and there’s less. Maybe it was a trick?  But I saw with my own two eyes that there is NO lack.  Lack is impossible.  It’s only us that perceive lack!  I’ve read that a million times in woo woo books, manifesting books, etc….and it NEVER resonated until now!  We can not take too much of anything because there’s always enough for all.  We’ll all be provided for and the fear of not having enough makes us crazy!  I realized in that moment that my greed and selfishness came from a fear of running out and not having enough to survive.  I may have done awful things, and this is not an excuse, as much as it is taking responsibility and understanding ones behavior in order to release it and forgive it.

We behave out of fear.  Fear truly is the root of what we call “bad.” DUH!

You see, everyone stub’s their toe. Everyone runs into walls and makes bad turns. It’s what we do with the pain to manage it afterwards that counts the most, not avoiding stubbing our toes in the first place.  Stubbing our toes is inevitable if their are walls, toes, stairs etc.  Sure the pain sucks for a few minutes.  I made it suck forever because I would not let go of the pain. I bet there are a lot of people that do that in their own way with their own experiences.

The truth is, all toes that get stubbed get better.  The pain does subside.  It’s us that creates drama, more pain and endless judgement that continues to hurt us because we believe we are worth that pain.  I thought I needed it to hurt.  I was deserving of the pain because of the pain I caused for myself and others.

When I realized we all stub our toes, we all make mistakes; everything seemed to be OK.  I Finally I understood, so I could finally accept, therefore I finally forgave.   I don’t have to punish myself for stubbing my toe…it was just stubbed.  No one does!  I also don’t have to hold on to other peoples pain for their stubbed toe either.  Either do you!  No big deal.

If I stub my toe, then other people are stubbing their toes too.  If they stub their toe, and their pain is directed at me, it’s not my fault they stubbed their toe, I’m just getting the brunt of their pain. Doesn’t mean I caused it or really that it is me that they are upset at. Maybe they’re mad at the wall? 🙂

I felt a shift.  I know when I  opened my eyes, I’ve never seen the world so clear.  The colors, the birds, the garden that I sat in was like a living painting and I was blessed enough to be in. In that moment, I thought this must be what the other side is like.  There’s so much peace, so much stillness, so much beauty.

I thought that every moment (good or bad) in this lifetime, and all the others, lead me to this moment, right now, in this spectacular moment.  How could I possibly hold onto so much pain in the past that it would not allow me such magnificence in this moment?  Those stubbed toes got me to here, now!  I created a past that is made up of nothing more than the stories I’ve have convinced myself of so that I could not be present in the now.

Too think, all from the picture of a throbbing  toe!  Next time I stub my toe, which I’m sure I’ll do, I’ll remember that after the pain subsides, the pain is gone and I can walk on.  No need to hang onto it for any reason; anymore.  I’ll remember it’s just a toe and forgive myself for not seeing the wall. Maybe I just tripped?  Maybe it all doesn’t matter?

I suppose spirit talks to us in ways we will understand.  For me an image of a stubbed toe allowed me to understand, therefore accept, and then forgive the countless lifetimes of guilt and shame that I have carried.  Profound…not really, just simple and to the point! Go figure!

Here’s to a lighter load and steel toe boots!

As if that was not enough for one day, after that I was guided to have a little ceremony for my grandma Jane. She finally crossed over yesterday at 96.5 years old!  I can’t be home with my family and that is maybe the hardest part for me…I feel disconnected from everyone.  I asked to be directed to a special rock and took it to a special place in the garden.  I was guided to leave it there as a dedication to her.  It felt very ceremonial what happened next. It was my way of letting her go.  I cried and could hardly pull myself away from that spot in the garden.  She spoke to me and told me she was OK.  She reassured me that I could go now.  I said good bye…or until next time and forced myself to move my feet.

I thanked the garden for allowing me to sit in its space and walked away the same way I came in.  It felt right to leave as the way I entered.

I watched the birds soar over head and thanked everything, everywhere for another day!